Puns From Comedians That Are Too Clever For Their Own Good

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Comedians are much more intelligent than you may think, here are just a few of the best 

 

” What is wrong with me? I just bought a bag of weed from an infant “

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” I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut…I just could not imagine the scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a donut “

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” There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling, but they hear that mother-f***ing ice cream truck “

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” Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ” 

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” To my grandparents – life was food. I go, ‘ grandma, I don’t feel well. I’m suicidal.’ She says. ‘You’re hungry. You’re just hungry ” 

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” If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty “

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” I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy “

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” I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself ” 

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” I have to go to Washington – if only to be near my money ” 

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” I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells ” 

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” If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days “

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” According to most studies, people’s number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy “

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” If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of bills payments “

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” Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children ” 

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source: Imgur