Comedians are much more intelligent than you may think, here are just a few of the best
” What is wrong with me? I just bought a bag of weed from an infant “
” I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut…I just could not imagine the scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a donut “
” There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling, but they hear that mother-f***ing ice cream truck “
” Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ”
” To my grandparents – life was food. I go, ‘ grandma, I don’t feel well. I’m suicidal.’ She says. ‘You’re hungry. You’re just hungry ”
” If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty “
” I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy “
” I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself ”
” I have to go to Washington – if only to be near my money ”
” I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells ”
” If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days “
” According to most studies, people’s number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy “
” If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of bills payments “
” Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children ”
source: Imgur
