100 Funny Puns You Can Use At Your Next Party. Or Not

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Just a huge list of 100 funny puns. You’re welcome!

1. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

2. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

3. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

4. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

5. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

6. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

7. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

8. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

9. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

10. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

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11. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

12. How do you throw a space party? You planet.

13. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

14. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

15. Nope. Unintended.

16. A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”

17. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

18. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

19. What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.

20. The broom swept the nation away.

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21. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

22. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

23. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

24. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

25. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

26. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

27. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

28. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

29. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

30. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

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31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

33. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

34. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

35. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

36. Sausage puns are the wurst.

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

38. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o’s? You have a bowel movement.

39. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

40. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

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41. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

42. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A Lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAru.

43. What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque.

44. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

45. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

46. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

47. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

48. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

49. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the taliban.

50. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

 

51. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

52. Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

53. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

54. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

55. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

56. How do trees access the internet? They log on.

57. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

58. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

59. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

60. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop

61. What did the watermelon say to the cantaloupe? You’re one in a melon

62. Don’t go bacon my heart. I couldn’t if I fried. – Love this pun

63. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? T-Rex

64. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop

65. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator

66. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.

67. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear

68. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you

69. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

70. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

71. What do you call and owl that does magic tricks? Hoodini

72. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well

73. Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!

74. I used to be a banker. But I lost interest.

75. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends

76. If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.

77. A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

78. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

79. So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not the end of the world! My favorite. So funny!

80. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.

81. I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.

82. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

83. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

84. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

85. Is old rope good enough for a hanging? Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.

86. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

87. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bartender?”

88. My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

89. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

90. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

91. Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.

92. Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, “Disneyland Left”. So they started crying and went home.

93. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

94. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

95. Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.

96. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

97. For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

98. My psychiatrist said I was preoccupied with the vengeance I told him “oh yeah we’ll see about that!”

99. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

100. I don’t engage in mental combat with the unarmed.


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